Shed Blog: There’s been a murder

Christie, Le Carré, Chandler, Conan Doyle, Stevens.

These are the names that will long be synonymous with murder mystery writing. Well maybe not Stevens.

Club stalwart Peter ‘Slash’ Stevens, named we thought for his dashing batting style, has penned his first murder mystery novel.

‘Slash’, known for multiple assassinations with his umpiring finger is the man in whites who came in from the cold for a cricket tea.

Shed blog is awaiting the sequel ‘Murder in the Shed’, with the club captain odds on to be bumped off first, with a cricket bat, by a man in a white coat.

‘A Dickens of a Murder’ is available in all seedy bookstores and can be purchased online for a modest fee here.

Stevens said:* ” I’m delighted to have finally written my first murder mystery book, making a creative decision to move away from the erotic novel genre. Playing cricket at South Woodford has certainly influenced my work and spending countless summer afternoons with its members has certainly heightened my homicidal tendencies.”

Come to think of it did anyone actually see the last of Patrick Woo?

On the pitch

It may have been the most unsuccessful year on the field since last year, but there is light at the end of the tunnel. The under 13s won two trophies in two weeks to finish the season on a high. South hit four to win off the last ball to seal an improbable victory to add the Len Stentiford trophy to the Jeff Rodrigues trophy bagged the previous week. This means the team has won an unprecedented five trophies in two years.

Heavy Rollers 

Onto another hefty achievement. It was pointed out by an anonymous source, also known as Neal Hodgskin, incase the big boys take offence, that President’s day saw the most weight on the square in our club’s 133 year history. Browne M, Browne R, Overton A, S Hall and J Gill all graced the first X1 square simultaneously- heavy rollers not required.

In other belly-related news Garry Neicho came last in a Royal Caribbean cruise belly flop competition, which he’s worked out is probably a good thing.

Poogate

If you believe ‘dual’ club member Bill Everett, Woodford Wells is the wealthier brother, the more refined of the cricket clubs in the Woodford area- a membership with ‘a bit of class’.

This was undisputed until a record breaking sized poo was deposited in the club toilets by a Wells member causing a diplomatic rift between the clubs. Hero Steve Mulchinock literally rolled up his sleeves and saved the day after the South Woodford hoards had witnessed the mega structure. You wouldn’t get that at the Wells old boy.

Feeling OKay

Last Saturday’s end of season relegation party was like a South party from years gone by. The dance floor was full of revellers dancing and ‘dabbing’ the night away. But for resident barbecuer and all round good egg Kay Jaspal, it turned out to be one blue sambuca shot too far. Retreating to the patio for a well deserved slump it was less OKay and more KayO. Images available on request.

Friday is the new Thursday

As the club prepares for another winter and Kay nurses a two week hangover, the club opening hours have changed. The club won’t open on Thursdays in the winter and will instead open on Friday nights from 6pm, starting next Friday. Do take time to support the club. Bringing your dabbing a-game: required.

Wedding Bells

Congratulations are in order for Harry Shirt and Jade Collingham who tie the knot today and our resident pie chucker Adam Overton who married Michelle last month.

Trigger, known for his generosity when partying with cricketing greats, had some very special messages of support. But Trigger, why did you disappear last time without paying?

Here’s the England captain with more… watch here.

Silencing the Critics

And finally, Essex county cricket club silenced their critics this week, with every bookmaker, commentator and pundit in the land declaring that Essex would finish bottom of Division 1 at the start of the season. Our very own Matt Quinn and Nick Browne, may have few sore heads today as they celebrated Essex not only winning the league, for the first time in 25 years, but leaving all teams trailing in their wake with two games to go.

With Browney scoring the most runs in the Championship for Essex once again in 2017, could this be the next England opening partnership? We certainly hope so.

*Pete Stevens did not say this. He’s already killed his genre. I don’t want to be his next victim.